artemis908

I think I've talked about my fear of death before and it's something that for some reason has been lingering in me for about a month. A lot of young celebrities have been dying, people only in their 50s (my parents' age). I know I am 26, not 50, but time goes by so quickly and I am constantly thinking about it. At one point it was affecting me so much that I was afraid to sleep. Now, anytime there is a death on tv or on the news, I get scared. It's like a constant reminder of how short our lives are and how it can be taken away from us any moment. Who will remember me? How will I be remembered?

I wish more than anything there is an "after life". I wish even more there was evidence in one so I could feel more comfort. It's just so hard for me to grasp something that I don't know is real...

Well, another year has gone by, it's been 8 years. I've told my story before on lj about where I was on that day. It's something that is pretty much burned into your mind for the rest of your life. It's so different to say you watched it on tv, but when you were there and saw it, it's a whole different experience. I am lucky that was all that happened, I was just a witness to the event. All of my family members who were there, survived: my cousin, who normally works in the WTC miraculously had an uptown meeting that morning and then my cousin, a NY firefighter, and my dad, at the time a police officer, both went there to help people when it first happened. I remember I begged my dad not to go, I was so scared something else could happen and he might get hurt, but he said it was his duty to help people and so he went. We all were physically unaffected by the tragedy, though mentally I know the anniversary hits me hard every year, some harder than others.

It really makes you realize how lucky you are and I am so grateful that my family is okay. I don't think I ever prayed so hard when I thought my cousin may have been in there and she tells me she thinks God and my great grandmother saved her that day. If it weren't for that Uptown meeting, who knows what would have happened.

As for me, I was able to get out of Manhattan on an afternoon train, the last train allowed to leave NY that day. I stayed home for about 3 days from school and then went back and tried to move on. 8 years later, I can still remember every detail of the day and all I can say is, "you'll always be in my heart."

I am incredibly annoyed... my doctors say "lose weight" but then my GP says, "I don't approve of you exercising because of your blood pressure". My gynecologist also said he doesn't want me jogging or anything because of my PCOS. So wtf? The gym in my building is free if you can either A. get a doctor's approval or B. Their trainer puts you through a physical test. It's so incredibly stupid, like you can only go to the gym if you are healthy and fit. The hell with you if you want to work on it and you're not fit and healthy already, it's SO STUPID! I've dieted before and it never works unless I am exercising. When I was exercising, I was able to lose weight, I think it was the only time it was really working and I am just so annoyed.

Wednesday I went to the gynecologist for a routine exam. They took my blood pressure and it was 184/124, so high that the doctor wanted me to lay down and go to the emergency room. I had to call Correl to pick me up since they didn't want me to drive and after waiting for an hour it had lowered enough that she just wanted me to go to an EMO. I was able to get a doctor's appointment pretty quickly so I went to a normal doctor instead and she was concerned and wanted me to get an EKG and then told me to get a Cardio Echo. They took a ton of blood work and now I am waiting to hear if it's anything more than bad genetics. Both my parents have high blood pressure and that is probably it, my parents pretty much screwed me with all of these genetic problems... I have so many health problems and it scares me. I am 26 and already have these health problems. My grandmother died in her 60s and I am just scared of dying. I know I am only 26, but death scares me terribly. I guess what scares me the most is I don't believe in an after life. I'd like to, but I don't. I don't believe we go to heaven, I don't believe we get reincarnated, no I think we just... seize to exist and that scares me a lot. I don't want to be... nothing... just a body in a coffin without any consciousness. I wish I could believe in heaven and I wish there was some sort of evidence that there was. Sometimes part of me wants to believe in Jesus and so on, just so I have some sort of assurance that when I die, I will go somewhere.

A lot of people I know seem to be getting married. Like people from work or people I knew in high school and college. I guess I am starting to get to that age where my friends are going to start getting married and having kids.

So far, all of them are having big weddings and as I watch them make their plans I guess I begin to feel more and more like having a big wedding is just not necessarily a good idea, at least not for me.

Most of the girls I know who are doing these wedding plans, they get just... so obsessed. They talk about it all the time and it seems more and more to me that it's the wedding that is important and not so much the marriage. Don't get me wrong, I am sure they are all very much in love but in my opinion the wedding is about... the couple and not about a huge party and the bridge being the main focus.

Before I met Correl, I definitely wanted a huge wedding. Now, I don't. For me, I wouldn't want to lose focus of what the wedding is really about, and it's about us, being together forever. I think if I had a big wedding, it'd just take over my life, become an obsession and then when it's over, I'd be... sad? Kind of like when you have a normal party and when everyone leaves it's just sort of sad because the event is over. That's how my New Years parties always felt. Like I'd spend so much time planning the party and then suddenly it's over.

Ok, so part of thinks it'd be great to have a nice and big wedding, I don't know if anyone has ever heard of Hotel DuPont, but it's this gorgeous hotel in Delaware that just has your ultimate fantasy wedding hall...SO gorgeous and yeah... SO expensive. Would I want to put myself into debt over ONE day?

So, what I am pretty sure I am going to do is get married in Maui. Go to the Maui Westin and just bring some close relatives and friends and do it. No bridesmaids, no massive wedding, just parents, grandparents and maybe aunts and uncles (Correl has SO many though, I only have one that'd show up), and friends (Adrianna, Sarbani, Rob, Roseann). I want to celebrate my marriage with those who are very close to me and not people who I haven't seen for 2 years...

Correl and I have talked about marriage. We want to, we are each other's lives... I think we both feel a little reluctant being both of our parents are divorced. It's hard to have any faith in marriage after seeing what your parents went through. Neither of my parents have even remarried but his has and they both seem happier with their current spouses. But will there ever be an ideal time? For that matter, will getting divorced really feel that much worse than breaking up? For me, there is so much emotional investment already and of course it'll grow stronger whether or not we are married. A marriage is only a contract yes, but I guess I like the idea of being "Mrs. Roush" and having a husband to grow old with and have children with. You can say you'll be together forever as a couple but I think the real commitment starts when you're married. It's really scary but so exciting.

What are the symptoms of OHS?

OHS usually has no symptoms in its early stages; the initial OHS infection usually subsides without the need for treatment. This is true for other histo infections; in fact, often the only evidence that the inflammation ever occurred are tiny scars called "histo spots," which remain at the infection sites. Histo spots do not generally affect vision, but for reasons that are still not well understood, they can result in complications years--sometimes even decades--after the original eye infection. Histo spots have been associated with the growth of the abnormal blood vessels underneath the retina.

In later stages, OHS symptoms may appear if the abnormal blood vessels cause changes in vision. For example, straight lines may appear crooked or wavy, or a blind spot may appear in the field of vision. Because these symptoms indicate that OHS has already progressed enough to affect vision, anyone who has been exposed to histoplasmosis and perceives even slight changes in vision should consult an eye care professional.

Yesterday my co-worker, Lawrence, fainted a few feet from where I sit. The ambulance was called and he was awake and conscious. He was talking, knew the date and the president. I really thought he was going to be okay until they put him on their board and he was having a hard time breathing. Soon after that another co-worker fainted and hit her head. She went unconscious and the ambulance came and took her to the hospital. Luckily she was okay and was released last night.

Unfortunately, Lawrence didn't make it. He went into cardiac arrest in the hospital and couldn't be revived. He was only in his 40s and his death came to a huge shock to us all. I didn't know Lawrence very well since I had only been here for a month. But being this is such a small office (maybe 50 employees), you get use to seeing the same smiles and faces every day and it's scary to have seen someone one minute and know you will never see them again the next.

He left a wife and a young daughter behind. I can't even imagine what they must feel. There is going to be a group grief counseling session this morning. I don't know how much it'll help. I tend to get upset when I see other people upset and I don't really want to start crying. But at the same time I don't want to not go, out of respect.

I think everyone just wants to get through the day (and week) and just grieve... we'll miss you Lawrence...

Yesterday Correl gave me my birthday gifts and he got me some really interesting stuff...

- A t-shirt that says "OMG Pwnies" with two cute my little ponies on it haha so cute

- The black knight doll from Monty Python that can have his limbs torn off

- "lolcats" word magnets

- Astronaut ice cream. I told Correl awhile ago how I had astronaut ice cream when I was little and loved it

All in all, very well thought out gifts that showed he knew me well and weren't in the least bit generic. <3 He's so awesome.

We are missing out on such awesome advertising...

So, I've been trying to organize my finances better and have been doing research on whether or not I should cancel some credit cards, here is what I found at http://money.aol.com/bankrate/credit/canvas3/_a/cancel-a-card-hurt-your-credit-score/20061129154909990002

"As counterintuitive as that seems, that could happen. Impersonal credit-scoring systems aren't concerned so much with how much available credit you have but with how you manage that credit. And in the credit-scoring world, a 30 percent utilization rate is much better than a 60 percent one. "That's what scoring models want to see, a good utilization rate," Hendricks says."

I've decided to cancel my Dell card and that's it. I will just not use the other credit cards.

Last night I got really bad carpel tunnels (sp?) and I couldn't type on the computer, which left me very bored since the only stuff I had saved on TiVo was Family Guy and the Simpsons. So, I decided to go to bed at 10. I woke up at 1 in a lot of pain because of the carpel tunnels and took an advil, it went away about half an hour later. I had this dream that was in London and hanging out with Emily and Anthony, two people (brother and sister) that I once roleplayed with. I've met Anthony but not Emily. It was so random since I don't talk to them much outside of facebook. Another weird thing in the dream that I vividly remember was that I was shocked to find a Bank of America ATM and went to take out money, it gave me American dollars... And I was like WTF? This is England, wasn't it giving me British pounds? And there were random bills around the machine like someone had dropped them. So I picked them up and was annoyed because now I had no money in my bank account and would need to pay an outrageous fee to convert my money. Wow, it felt so real... it's been awhile since I've had such a vivid dream that's stuck with me hours after I've woken up.

We had a guild meeting in SNJ tonight and there are a lot of thoughts going through my head right now. So, I am just going to throw them all out there, whether or not they make sense...

I feel unneeded. I like feeling needed and I am not in a position right now to be needed. I feel left behind, I feel silly for caring, I feel like I lost something, I don't regret my breaks from WoW, but I wish I was still needed, I feel like I can't catch up, I feel like I lost friends, I feel like I shouldn't take anything in the game personally but I do anyway, I feel stupid for what I feel, I know what happened, I got a boyfriend before the expansion came out and instead of leveling, I spend time with him, that's a good thing. I wish I could have handled both. I wish I could juggle work, boyfriend and WoW, but I can't. I hate leveling, it's slow and tedious. I've seriously considered having someone level Gwyndra for me and I even was ready to do it until I got too afraid the person would take my money and not level my toon... I miss the friendship I had with my guildmates, I feel like the guild has become serious raiders and I don't know if I want that, I can't stay up until 12 or 1am and I know that if I was raiding right now, I would be risking too much by staying up so late. I'd be back in the same situation where people who get mad at me for leaving early to go to bed. That always pissed me off. I was a dedicated raid member and guild member. I am on east coast time and raids always started late, I can't stay up that late when I have work so early. Things would probably be even worse now, people are taking raiding so seriously and now my spot would be easily filled. I miss being important. I miss having my absence mean something. I miss people thinking I was such a good healer. I miss having authority, I miss knowing what's going on. I wish I was 80. I wish quitting WoW wasn't such a big deal to me. I wish this game wasn't such a big deal to me.

Love is such a scary thing. When you have a lot of experience with getting your heart broken, it's hard to sometimes just relax and not worry. You can't help but think of the old saying, "If it seems too good to be true, it probably is". It doesn't matter how perfect everything is and how good they are, it's still scary. You're so afraid one day this great feeling is going to be gone, but I guess that's just part of being in love, being afraid you're going to lose it.

Every train I have taken this week has been delayed and almost all of them due to a disabled train in the tunnel. How fucking long have trains been around and the fucking schedule is the same every fucking day yet every day there are fucking delays.

They also made my express train a local because of this fucking delay which adds about 15 minutes to my fucking delay.

Fuck trains. Fuck NJ transit. Fuck New York.

I have been noticing how my happiness (with Correl) has been affecting my habits, specifically my computer habits. I would say my online time has been cut in half since him and I have been together. I bring my laptop home less and less and I tend to not go online when I go home.

In other news, they replaced my favorite radio station, G-Rock, with a generic pop station. I can not believe it and suffice to say it will be replaced as number 1 on my radio. WTF?!

I realized today why I haven't leveled Gwyndra. It's because I am really disappointed with WotLK. I think BC was so much better. For one, I feel like I quest and quest and quest, but only get maybe 1/4 or 1/2 a bar at most for every quest. It feels like 60-70 went at a better pace and I saw results quicker.

Another thing is I feel like there is less new stuff compared to BC. WotLK has a new class, 70+ areas/instances, and Inscription. That's pretty much it. BC had 60+ areas, jewelcrafting, new race, new class, new starting-level 20 area. I just feel like I wasted my money and that so much of this stuff is the same shit with different skins. I have been playing my warlock (lvl 65) and shaman (39) a lot and have barely touched my 70s. I am just so tired of the game...

Oh! I forgot to mention Correl's gift in my last post. I took pictures of his cat and put them in a nice frame. ( Here are the pictures I took. )

I have taken this whole "moving to Philly" thing very seriously recently and I feel like it might actually happen. I kind of ran through my head reasons why I should or shouldn't...

SHOULD:

Correl is there
Adri is there
I hate my job
I am tired of NYC
I hate the commute to NYC
Moving to Brooklyn will shorten the commute, but I will still have to stand in jam packed smelly subways
I like living in the suburbs
It's cheaper in Philly
The salary is more or less the same as NYC
I want to live somewhere new
If I don't like it, I can always move back
I don't think the hours will be quite as demanding
I won't have to move into a shoe box apartment


SHOULDN'T:

It's a risk
Not as many agencies to choose from
It's new
It's away from Sarbani and Roseann
The area isn't as active
Things won't be walkable distance


I really think I want to go to Philly. My regular NY recruiter knows I am interested in Philly, but he hasn't found anything there which made me question his connections there. So, I posted my resume on monster.com and careerbuilder.com and several recruiters contacted me. One of them seems to have good connections to Philadelphia so I think I am going to see what she finds... I talked to her on the phone and she mentioned several agencies she think may be interested. I feel weird working with another recruiter, like as if I am cheating on Matt (my NY recruiter), but I need to work with someone who has connections where I want to go...