The Magical World of Jennifer

in 4D

(no subject)
Castle by uptown_girl_gfx
artemis908
Sometimes, I think it's really important to put things in perspective in your life. To look back at the way things use to be and see how they changed, how you have changed, and it really helps to see how much better (or worst) things are now.

I have a really bad memory and honestly, I never blog anymore. A year or two ago I realized why when I started to look back at my old dead/livejournal posts. It's because I was always sad and depressed and when I am not feeling this way I am more busy living life vs. writing about it.

I decided to look back at my old journal entries again, because honestly since I have the worst memory ever I can't remember what I did yesterday, nevermind 5 years ago. Again, I was reminded how depressed and sad I always was, how obsessed I was with finding a boyfriend or how hurt I'd get by guys.

Now my focus is instead on planning my next vacation or having a baby, so different then how things were 10 years ago and I am happy about that. I am so excited for 2013, I have so much planned--a Disney trip, a cruise. Maybe we'll have more success with having a baby, I don't know, I just think it's going to be a good year. I don't get depressed anymore and hate my life, I am just married and happy. My job has got increasingly better and I don't really have many complaints.

So... yay :)

(no subject)
Castle by uptown_girl_gfx
artemis908
Aging is really overwhelming. I feel like even though the days go by so slowly, the years just seem to go by so fast. I can see why people go through mid-life crisis's and date 17 year olds. Sometimes I forget how old I really am. It feels like I am still in my early 20s when I am really almost 30. It also can make me see why people date others who are so much younger than them. i don't feel 28, I feel about the same as I did 10 years ago, just with more experience, more mature. Sometimes I look at someone, l just totally forget my age vs. them. It got me thinking of those women who end up going to jail for getting involved with a 16 year old student. I can imagine being around teenagers day after day, it makes you remember when you were back in high school and maybe you forget that hey, you aren't a teenager anymore. You're actually an adult and dating teenagers is illegal. I just can see how a woman would lose touch with reality. Being an adult sucks. You have so many responsibilities and it gets kind of mundane. Going to work everyday, going home, doing the same thing everyday. Being a teenager was nice in a lot of aspects. Not to say I'd do it again, but back then I had tons of friends, school was 7:55-2, I had not many responsibilities. Like I didn't start working until I was 16, I would have summers off and would just stay home and not do very much. Sleep late, watch tv, hang out with my friends. It was nice, I didn't have much to worry about. Getting into college, passing my classes, and dealing with stuff for the clubs I was in are pretty much the only things I had to worry about. Now there is so much to think about... bills, mortgage, house repairs, job, car, projects, friends, my marriage, my family, my future. Being an adult sucks!

Dreams
Castle by uptown_girl_gfx
artemis908
I had a couple of vivid dreams last night...

The first one, I was pregnant and going into labor. I go to the hospital and I am alone with the doctors. I tell the doctor to drug me up and I can feel scared, but in my a good way. I feel happy that I was able to become pregnant (it's a big fear of mine that I might not be able to) and I begin to get contractions and give birth. I am more scared of the pain, but there wasn't really much pain. And I give birth to a baby. The dream kind of ends there.


Second dream, I am getting ready to get married. Thing is, I am not getting married to Correl, I am getting married to Alex. It's a huge rush. I had to buy a dress that wasn't really a wedding dress, it was just a skirt and a top, not even white, which I thought was odd as I was putting it on. I don't even think it was a wedding, it was just a ceremony in front of a judge or something. I go to get lunch or something with my mom and grandfather and my mom is yelling at my grandfather (as usual) and I am getting pissed that she is being so mean to him on my wedding day. Then I begin to panic a little realizing, well I don't want to marry Alex. I think at this point my conscious begins to realize that well, I am not with Alex anymore, he's a nice guy and all, but I don't love him, I love Correl. So why the hell am I not marrying Correl? I go to find Alex to tell him I can't marry him and I think we are in my old house where I grew up (btw, my dreams take place there a lot) and I am going upstairs and he's telling me it's bad luck to see me before the wedding. It kind of stops there.


It's weird how much I can still remember the dreams... they are so clear in my mind.

(no subject)
Castle by uptown_girl_gfx
artemis908
Your
Ultimate Roleplaying Purity Score
CategoryYour ScoreAverage
Hacklust56.6%
Will kill for XP
53.6%
Sensitive Roleplaying59.49%
"But what's my motivation for this scene?"
54.7%
GM Experience93.48%
"Um... You guys are in a 10'x10' room..."
69.3%
Systems Knowledge95.2%
Played in a couple of campaigns
90.4%
Livin' La Vida Dorka78.16%
Goes nuts on the weekends
63.3%
You are 78.83% pure
Average Score: 68.8%

(no subject)
Castle by uptown_girl_gfx
artemis908
I think I've talked about my fear of death before and it's something that for some reason has been lingering in me for about a month. A lot of young celebrities have been dying, people only in their 50s (my parents' age). I know I am 26, not 50, but time goes by so quickly and I am constantly thinking about it. At one point it was affecting me so much that I was afraid to sleep. Now, anytime there is a death on tv or on the news, I get scared. It's like a constant reminder of how short our lives are and how it can be taken away from us any moment. Who will remember me? How will I be remembered?

I wish more than anything there is an "after life". I wish even more there was evidence in one so I could feel more comfort. It's just so hard for me to grasp something that I don't know is real...

(no subject)
Castle by uptown_girl_gfx
artemis908
Well, another year has gone by, it's been 8 years. I've told my story before on lj about where I was on that day. It's something that is pretty much burned into your mind for the rest of your life. It's so different to say you watched it on tv, but when you were there and saw it, it's a whole different experience. I am lucky that was all that happened, I was just a witness to the event. All of my family members who were there, survived: my cousin, who normally works in the WTC miraculously had an uptown meeting that morning and then my cousin, a NY firefighter, and my dad, at the time a police officer, both went there to help people when it first happened. I remember I begged my dad not to go, I was so scared something else could happen and he might get hurt, but he said it was his duty to help people and so he went. We all were physically unaffected by the tragedy, though mentally I know the anniversary hits me hard every year, some harder than others.

It really makes you realize how lucky you are and I am so grateful that my family is okay. I don't think I ever prayed so hard when I thought my cousin may have been in there and she tells me she thinks God and my great grandmother saved her that day. If it weren't for that Uptown meeting, who knows what would have happened.

As for me, I was able to get out of Manhattan on an afternoon train, the last train allowed to leave NY that day. I stayed home for about 3 days from school and then went back and tried to move on. 8 years later, I can still remember every detail of the day and all I can say is, "you'll always be in my heart."

(no subject)
Castle by uptown_girl_gfx
artemis908
I am incredibly annoyed... my doctors say "lose weight" but then my GP says, "I don't approve of you exercising because of your blood pressure". My gynecologist also said he doesn't want me jogging or anything because of my PCOS. So wtf? The gym in my building is free if you can either A. get a doctor's approval or B. Their trainer puts you through a physical test. It's so incredibly stupid, like you can only go to the gym if you are healthy and fit. The hell with you if you want to work on it and you're not fit and healthy already, it's SO STUPID! I've dieted before and it never works unless I am exercising. When I was exercising, I was able to lose weight, I think it was the only time it was really working and I am just so annoyed.

(no subject)
Castle by uptown_girl_gfx
artemis908
Wednesday I went to the gynecologist for a routine exam. They took my blood pressure and it was 184/124, so high that the doctor wanted me to lay down and go to the emergency room. I had to call Correl to pick me up since they didn't want me to drive and after waiting for an hour it had lowered enough that she just wanted me to go to an EMO. I was able to get a doctor's appointment pretty quickly so I went to a normal doctor instead and she was concerned and wanted me to get an EKG and then told me to get a Cardio Echo. They took a ton of blood work and now I am waiting to hear if it's anything more than bad genetics. Both my parents have high blood pressure and that is probably it, my parents pretty much screwed me with all of these genetic problems... I have so many health problems and it scares me. I am 26 and already have these health problems. My grandmother died in her 60s and I am just scared of dying. I know I am only 26, but death scares me terribly. I guess what scares me the most is I don't believe in an after life. I'd like to, but I don't. I don't believe we go to heaven, I don't believe we get reincarnated, no I think we just... seize to exist and that scares me a lot. I don't want to be... nothing... just a body in a coffin without any consciousness. I wish I could believe in heaven and I wish there was some sort of evidence that there was. Sometimes part of me wants to believe in Jesus and so on, just so I have some sort of assurance that when I die, I will go somewhere.

(no subject)
Castle by uptown_girl_gfx
artemis908
A lot of people I know seem to be getting married. Like people from work or people I knew in high school and college. I guess I am starting to get to that age where my friends are going to start getting married and having kids.

So far, all of them are having big weddings and as I watch them make their plans I guess I begin to feel more and more like having a big wedding is just not necessarily a good idea, at least not for me.

Most of the girls I know who are doing these wedding plans, they get just... so obsessed. They talk about it all the time and it seems more and more to me that it's the wedding that is important and not so much the marriage. Don't get me wrong, I am sure they are all very much in love but in my opinion the wedding is about... the couple and not about a huge party and the bridge being the main focus.

Before I met Correl, I definitely wanted a huge wedding. Now, I don't. For me, I wouldn't want to lose focus of what the wedding is really about, and it's about us, being together forever. I think if I had a big wedding, it'd just take over my life, become an obsession and then when it's over, I'd be... sad? Kind of like when you have a normal party and when everyone leaves it's just sort of sad because the event is over. That's how my New Years parties always felt. Like I'd spend so much time planning the party and then suddenly it's over.

Ok, so part of thinks it'd be great to have a nice and big wedding, I don't know if anyone has ever heard of Hotel DuPont, but it's this gorgeous hotel in Delaware that just has your ultimate fantasy wedding hall...SO gorgeous and yeah... SO expensive. Would I want to put myself into debt over ONE day?

So, what I am pretty sure I am going to do is get married in Maui. Go to the Maui Westin and just bring some close relatives and friends and do it. No bridesmaids, no massive wedding, just parents, grandparents and maybe aunts and uncles (Correl has SO many though, I only have one that'd show up), and friends (Adrianna, Sarbani, Rob, Roseann). I want to celebrate my marriage with those who are very close to me and not people who I haven't seen for 2 years...

Correl and I have talked about marriage. We want to, we are each other's lives... I think we both feel a little reluctant being both of our parents are divorced. It's hard to have any faith in marriage after seeing what your parents went through. Neither of my parents have even remarried but his has and they both seem happier with their current spouses. But will there ever be an ideal time? For that matter, will getting divorced really feel that much worse than breaking up? For me, there is so much emotional investment already and of course it'll grow stronger whether or not we are married. A marriage is only a contract yes, but I guess I like the idea of being "Mrs. Roush" and having a husband to grow old with and have children with. You can say you'll be together forever as a couple but I think the real commitment starts when you're married. It's really scary but so exciting.

Background on my eye condition
Castle by uptown_girl_gfx
artemis908
What are the symptoms of OHS?

OHS usually has no symptoms in its early stages; the initial OHS infection usually subsides without the need for treatment. This is true for other histo infections; in fact, often the only evidence that the inflammation ever occurred are tiny scars called "histo spots," which remain at the infection sites. Histo spots do not generally affect vision, but for reasons that are still not well understood, they can result in complications years--sometimes even decades--after the original eye infection. Histo spots have been associated with the growth of the abnormal blood vessels underneath the retina.

In later stages, OHS symptoms may appear if the abnormal blood vessels cause changes in vision. For example, straight lines may appear crooked or wavy, or a blind spot may appear in the field of vision. Because these symptoms indicate that OHS has already progressed enough to affect vision, anyone who has been exposed to histoplasmosis and perceives even slight changes in vision should consult an eye care professional.

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